guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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