Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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