Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
