My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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