when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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