Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize