____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
