I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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