he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
