My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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