can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
