if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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