It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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