I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
