yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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