I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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