Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I need help removing her.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
