You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
