The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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