I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
