I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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