Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
