im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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