She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
