Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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