I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize