i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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