I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize