I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
