I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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