Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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