Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Let's paint friendship bongs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
