the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
