the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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