literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize