Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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