Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
