mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
