Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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