If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
its liver damage thursday
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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