so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
