fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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