I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
