I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
