She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
