Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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