Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
