you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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