Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
