I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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