Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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