Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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