She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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