I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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