Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
