but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your cock deserves a montage
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
