So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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