I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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