He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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