shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
