I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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