go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize